Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Old machines...

 Yeah. The masses drag in their old win 98 towers & laptops & want us to "keep 'em going".

 Well,  sadly those old POS systems are more of a pain in the ass than they are worth, & of course billable time, On top of that.

Here is what I would love to be able to do to those old pieces of s**t. 

For example. Here is how we see your old machine.


Here's the scoop. You're old programs & the like DON'T WORK ANYMORE...

The money spent trying to keep that old crap going is money wasted.

Upgrade.     Get better shit.      Buy a better program.     Learn to click a few different buttons.

If you want to keep using this old junk, you will pay.

Adapt people.


And........................Breathe...........


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The "Call back" guy.....

    Yeah.........

 Here's the scoop. We aren't gonna fix your machine over the phone. Yes, you've told me about how your desktop icons won't launch an app but you can do it from start/programs...yadda...You've also called about some stupid file in you Win32 folder...blah, blah...

 You've been calling us about the same shit for.....3 weeks.....We've told you that it is probably something malicious, but ....Ohhhhh Noooo.... It can be fixed over the phone.

   You fail         You've tried for weeks & wasted our time.

  Unplug your shit.....Bring it in.....We could've had it fixed for you in a day.

And of course this ham & egger has never spent a dime in our shop previously.

Double fail with a scoop of ice cream on top.

He wins the prize.


Sunday, September 12, 2010

Ed's Super fix-it !!

One of my fave vids....Enjoy... Be advised, a few F-Bombs are included

The "magic" disc

Yet again another day at the hell I refer to as "work".

A young lad trundles into my shop (loaded with blingy bits & electronic shiny things) & hauls out his beloved Dell laptop. He describes his sad state, his lovely laptop won't "run". I, of course, pelt him with you usual barrage of questions & finally figure out that it will in fact turn on, just that his OS won't load.

He opens up his prized shiny to reveal a truly bashed up, keys missing, electrical tape & glue job power adapter piece of sh*t. Of course, the battery doesn't work & I have to wait for this git to figure out how to untangle a cord (took 5 minutes).

We finally get some power into it...Turn it on...wait....Hmmm.....Black screen with only a flashing cursor.....Reboot to safe mode.....wait....wait...

Same crap........

My young friend asks if I have a "disc" that I can put in to make it go faster. This of course causes me to raise an eyebrow & retort "Buddy, if I had a magic disc to make this piece of crap work faster, & not waste my time, it would've been in the machine already".

I tell my sadly misinformed lad that there may be some sort of virii/malware at hand & rattle off the repair prices to our young hero.

Of course I must be hiding this "magic disc of fix all"

He does not like my diagnosis & moves his sad laptop 15 feet over to another counter & proceeds to ask my younger ( AND MUCH LESS EXPERIENCED) counterpart the same questions. Not 30 seconds later, my co-worker asks me "Ummm...don't you think it's virused?"

I just smile. Then I reply back with repair costs that just went up %50.


No magic disc.....Go away.


The time traveller....

Young gent has bluray optical drive in for RMA. Same gent has no contact phone #. Same gent checks in daily regarding his RMA.

Gent: (Butting in whilst I'm busy) Hey...fedex drops of here at about 12 or 1 pm right?
Me: Yup...........What time is it now?
Gent: Ummm....11:18 am
Me: You fail....Try again tomorrow. Go away till later.

The stupid is strong with this one...

   *sigh*

Our valiant hero faces yet another slack-jawed mouth breathing yokel.....

 So this poor excuse for humanity is pawing at one of my laptops... It want's the shiny.....It needs the shiny...

C: *Pointing at sign that has specs & PRICE*  How much is this one?

Me: ............It's at the end of your finger ............

C:  Huh?     Oh.... $900!!   That's too much. I want it for $700. You should give it to me for that much.

Me: *thinking.....OH NOoooo!!!...The dreaded JEDI MIND TRICK!!! How ever shall I defend against it!!.....Rolls dice....Hmmm.....Only a 4 on a 20 sided die.  I still make the saving throw as I fail on "0" against idiot*

No...I'll pass on that sale. Your mind tricks have no affect on me.

C: Why? I want it for $700!!

Me: Sadly, that is below cost & the last time I checked, most businesses prefer to MAKE money....Not lose it.

C: Huh?    I don't unnerstand?!?

Me: *surprise....surprise*  So let's say you bought a car for resale at $1000. You'd want to sell it for more. Correct?  To make money for paying the bills, buying food & such?

C: Uhhhhh....yup

Me: Well then. Same principle applies here. The owners like to make money..... Price is $900. ....Anything else?

C: Durrrrrrrrr...Lemme think about that....

Me: Sure thing. Have a nice day *I'll give you a decade or so to process that concept*

This is not the laptop you seek

Go away....Go be stupid somewhere else.

Fix my BSOD over the phone...

Yeah.......That ain't gonna happen.

For those of you out there that think a quick call to a computer shop can fix your "tiny issue", you're more than likely wrong.
For example. There's a plethora of possible issues that are giving you the "BSOD" and it is nigh impossible to figure out over the phone......For free of course.

Here's a reference page I use. It gives you an idea of what might be wrong.

http://aumha.org/a/stop.htm

If it was easy, you could do it yourself.

That's a lot of stuff now.

Unplug your machine.......Bring it in.

Price match logic fail

 Of course I get calls on a daily basis asking about pricing for various components. Video cards, RAM, hard drives, laptops.   You name it.   And most of the time, the caller is happy & will come in to buy said item.

 Then there are the "savvy" shoppers that look shit up on line or from ads in the paper.

They call in, & ask me to do a bug hunt for a specific item. I finally track it down from a supplier, rattle of the price & get the retort "Blah, blah has it on for this price. You should match it".

Um....no

I of course ask where they found this amazing price for the product. which invariably is some far away country and online.

I look it up, and then point out that sadly, they are OUT OF STOCK and cannot therefore price match something that, doesn't exist.

Cue "logic fail"

C:  Tard caller

Me:  Our hero

C: Um....It says available in 2 months.

Me: Yup. I have it here now....at my price.

C: I need it NOW....You should match that price.

Me: Hmmm....Maybe in 2 months when the cost drops we can sell it for $XXX, but for now with market demand it sells for $XXX here.

C: I'll go buy it somewhere else.

Me: Ok. I can't guarantee that we'll have that item later. It's selling pretty quick now. Have a good day.

  2 days later.....

Same idiot finds out that he can't buy his junk for a better price than mine anywhere & calls back.

C: Hi, I called about that thing a few days back & would like you to put one on hold for me.

Me: Hmmmm.....Seems as though we're fresh out at the moment..... Let me see if..

C: *Cuts in* YOU HAD ONE JUST THE OTHER DAY!!!

Me: Yes we did....And I recall telling you that they're selling really fast. Now we are out of stock.

C: *Whines* When will you have more?

Me: Let's see now... Hold please....The new ETA for stock is..........In about 2 months.

You can pretty much guess where the call goes from there. a lot of pissing & moaning. I actually did have stock, but the owner said "screw him" having had to deal with same idiot on more than one occasion.

To lazy to come in and buy stuff?  Not our problem.

And, breathe.......



How my co worker felt...

funny gifs - Neal Patrick Harris Gets Me.
see more SeƱor Gif

 Yup, just like that and only 15 minutes into the day....

   9 am strikes & the door swings open. My co worker greets the lady entering & is met with a torrent of...


Well..... Weapons grade stupid.

 This freakin' whack job starts going off about how she's living in a motel, but not on welfare, and how she was online wirelessly with her laptop & it disonnected for a split second. And then here antivirus stopped working because of that & so she called down to the front desk demanding that they replace her laptop AND get rid of the mice in her room AND how she's calling with a $1000 cellphone AND now she has a virus in her machine & can't do her ultra important work......

 All she was missing was a tinfoil hat.

  Luckily I had used the "hide & freeze" tactic during the opening diatribe. The owner walked around to a display system that we play our tunes on and loaded "Crazy" by Patsy Cline and let it rip.

 So, we left our hapless friend to his own demise. She foamed on & on for a good 15 minutes. Of course she didn't have her laptop with her or explain what she would like us to do for her.

 I eventually rescued my cohort by calling into the shop from my cell, answering it, put myself on hold & paged him due to a "very important" call. He excused himself to take the call & I laughed my ass off over the phone for a good minute or so until I heard her leave.

Yeah..... I don't mind seeing people suffer but that was even too much for me.

 Cheer up buddy. Only 8 hours & 45 minutes left to go.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The best fargin' Chef in the world !!

You think you know how to cook?    Bah !!


Check out this blog.

Fully "Mr. Rude" Endorsed.



The lady never lies & you'll get the straight-A recommendation shit every time.

Ask her a question...I dare you

Btw, you should buy this beer.






Musical interlude 2 .... Feelin' a bit old...



 Feelin' like an old dog.......

Ladies & gentleman...

 The Slackers !!!!




Wherein I start to bitch about my customers...

 So, when I point on the screen & say "right click my computer". What does a sentient being do?

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sentient 

A: Right click "my computer".

B: Reach into their pants & start flinging crap.

C: Drool.

D: Dive to the start menu & start looking for........something.

 If you chose D , you have won the cookie.

 I had just tossed in a chunk of RAM for a lusers system & sparked up their machine. Of course, they want to hop on in & see how much better it works. No problemo. Of course they need to see it displayed in shiny numbers. Sadly,  it took 15 minutes for me to "direct" them as to how to....

Right click "My Computer" .   After physically pointing on the screen.  My finger was on the icon. 

And for them to click it correctly, as in "right click"

And then left click "Properties".

You guessed it. As in "left click"


And yes, I died a little bit more inside.  This person was a DOCTOR.

Full insult intended.

If your a friggin' DOCTOR, don't wave it above my head , before hand, like I should be bowing down & praising the soil you walk on.

Dude, if you can't follow simple instructions then I don't want to have you working on me. Here's a q-tip. Use it.

Of course I google'd his ass to make sure I never call him.









And our contest winner is....

 Me.

   I win.  You all fail.

Out of the 7 billion people out there, noone won the prize.

So, I ate the chicken wing.

Took the can of coke, shook it up & stuck in the fridge at work for someone else to grab. 

 And sadly, I lied about the "Stefs'" grab bag.

Meh, better luck next week.

BTW, if you need a demonoid invite. Just ask :D



Comments please.

What the hell?  Noone has an opinion? Please fire off a comment or two. Feedback is always good-ish.

Generally

Fire me a question or something.   Throw me a friggin' bone.

Don't make me start complaining about customers.   Ad naseum.

Here's a good link for reading about customer service retard issues.


This guy was in Penticton BC for years dealing with, well, dumbasses

All praise the Gord !!!


And breathe..........


How to download videos from websites

  So, you watch a neat vid on some website & wish you could just yank it from there & save it. 

Well you ham & eggers'  I have the utility for you.  

Ant downloader.


It works as a browser add-on. No fuss, no muss.

Just be sure to change the folder (which you can chose) to something other than the standard C:\Doc & settings, blah, blah blah..

Otherwise you can fill up your OS drive rather quickly.

Which will make your computer unhappy

If it sucked, I wouldn't use it.

Did I mention, again?

 Well now. It seems that over 80% of the people hitting my blog are using firefox.

 Good job! Way fewer issues with FF than IE.

If you don't have Firefox it is free to download here.


That & most nuggets of malware, spyware & just generally nasty script are written to mess with IE.


How not to fire a watermelon out of a giant slingshot...

I just had to share this one with you all.  Enjoy

   



      Courtesy of       http://gizmodo.com/

I'll bet that left a bit of a mark

Ironic statement in the video. "Right in the kisser"

Bullseye!!!

Whining about customers to follow later on.... 

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Next up...How to load Mac OS 10.6.2 Virtual box


  Once I wake up.... Tune in tomorrow when you don't spend $2000 to run a Mac OS

 And here we go....



  Pretty much follow these instructions...Download an ISO of OSX86 as directed. Sadly, I was too lazy to burn it to a disc so I just ran the install from the extracted file.

Time required...About 2 hours

This is running on an HP Compaq NC6400





Musical interlude



This is for Mrs. Rude   

Enjoy all

And of course a lovely tidbit of knowledge for the masses


Please stop using limewire & all that type of crap

You're grabbing one song at a time from sketchy places at best when you use that crap. Besides most record companies know that you are all stealing from them & have been known to actually release files that have malware embedded in them to file sharing utilities like that.

Don't be a git.    Use the good stuff






Monday, September 6, 2010

Mr. Rudes' secret giveaway!!

 Yup, there is some really neat stuff out there on the old web that makes life.....well......Kinda cool

Skype would be pretty much at the top of the list.   

You can vid chat for free with all your friends & family

Most of you probably know about it, but just in case....


Also for tomorrow only I'm holding a special challenge. I will be wearing this shirt..


That would be the corner gas one

At work.

If you find me & call me "Mr. Rude"...  You'll get a special prize.

Might be a can of coke....Or maybe even a chicken wing ...

Or maybe an old "Stef" grab bag

Tune in tomorrow when I whine about customers.



PS: I like corner gas

http://www.cornergas.com/ 


Did I mention?

 Hmmmm.... Backing up your data.

 Considering the fact that a DVD costs about 25 cents & holds 4.7 gigabytes of info I consider it a rather cheap way to back up your stuff....Pictures of dead relatives..... That book you've been trying to write for 8 years....The recipes.... Hell, you can back up everything & anything!!! Even external hard drives are dirt cheap. Right now 1 Terabyte  ( 1,000 Gigs ) external HDD are about $100.

 But nooooo ...........That's just to hard to do.

Because we all know that it's waaaayyyy easier to leave that old back up thing till the last minute when our hard drive in the computer packs it in.

And then my friends, it's too late.

Data recovery from a deadish hard drive is usually $70 to $200 depending where you go to.

For a  DEAD hard drive the price starts @ $500 & goes up from there.

Don't be a fool      Back up your stuff     


Mr. T says 

"Only a fool don't back up his shit!"

And here would be a helpful link to make sure your hard drive isn't going to pack it in any day soon.


Again, this stuff is free.   Don't be lazy. 

When in doubt, back it up



Please keep Mr. T happy    We don't like to see him angry







Wherein I actually lend a hand & stop complaining for a wee bit.....

Time to pay the karma bill.

 If you're looking for a few decent programs/utilities for your machine to make life a bit easier, here you go.

 First things first. Anitvirus!! 

Sadly, most ISP's (google it) tend to tell you that the stuff the have to offer is great.   They are wrong.  Telus ecare, Shaw secure, etc.are just bad.  Do not use any antivirus that an internet provider supplies. Unless they recommend something like the ones listed below.

Now, the 2 that I tend to use depend on whether your OS (operating system) is 32 or 64 bit. Don't worry, if you try to install the improper "flavour", your computer will tell you. For 32 bit OS (XP & most Vista), I use AVG. it's light & can take care of nearly all "older" machines. 


For a 64 bit OS (Windows 7 normally), I install MSE (Microsoft security essentials). It's surprisingly good compared to the older Microsoft live care, which is a steaming pile of crap.


I use these daily on machines that I setup. And when I say daily, I mean about 20 to 30 times....As with any antivirus utility installation, please be sure to UNINSTALL the previous utility. It's always best to disconnect from the internet before you kill off the old AV. Also note that if you are already infected, it's too late. Loading a new AV utility     won't     save     you. It's like getting the flu & 4 days later getting a flu shot.

Another handy program that I tend to use is Malwarebytes anti-malware. 


Next up..... Office stuff.

 I can't even begin to relate how tired I am of people asking if new machines come with a full version of word.

    They don't      You have to buy it      End of discussion

This however is free & works just fine.  I give you    Open Office!!!


 Embrace it people.   It's free.   You just have to learn an extra click or two.


Ok folks here's the last goodie for the day.  

Personally, I hate windows media player with a passion.    It's just crap.     So I use this instead.


VLC!!!   Works like a hot damn with nearly everything under the sun.



Now, stuff to avoid.......

Pretty much anything that says it will "clean your registry" or "find drivers for you".

They        don't         work

If they did I'd be using those in a heartbeat. The only way to do either is to;

A: Google it & read

B: See "A"

There is no magic disc or shortcut. If I find this "magic disc", I'll tell you.


And breathe..........







Sunday, September 5, 2010

Give a monkey a brain...

  And he'll swear he's the centre of the universe...

 This post is about the nuckle draggers that think they can install an OS.  

  It's kind of like, watching a train wreck in slow motion....

 They come in & want an install disc for their machine. Of course they think that only one that will work is that one with the hologram on the back from 6 years ago. NEWS FLASH!! The burnt disc I made is the      exact      same    thing.   Hell,  I just used it to load an OS 2 hours ago.

 Yes, it will work.   All you need is the COA ( cue the stunned look & mental grinding noise ) to activate that.

After about 30 minutes of describing THE STICKER on the side of the computer,  they figure out that their "buddy" that last loaded their machine, as a favour, in fact hosed them by not giving them a license.
  
  Yeah.  

  Mr. Gates likes people to pay for his software & yes,  you have to pay for it.

  Do not pass go.     Do not collect $200.    Go directly to dumbass

 After they get the shiny disc & scamper of home to "save" money by doing their own install, they tend to call back about "not being able to get online" or "my display is really bad".  

 This would be filed under the "My boss is looking at me on the phone & wondering why I'm not making him money" situation.     You failed.     Bring in your computer.  

Go lay down

 This is why computers shops charge money to do this.  If it was easy then every one would do it. Guess what. 95% of the masses can't do it.         

          Odds are you're in that batch.  

           Give up.   Don't resist.  
                
                                            




  



Before you call

 Did you see an Apple logo on our ad in the yellow pages?     Nope     Then why do bloody Mac users keep calling me?

  Sorry, we don't sell overpriced hardware with shiny OS....Go away...Go be stupid somewhere else.



Nuff said

And so it begins.....

 Where to begin?  I've been sitting here trying to figure out where I should start. Something pithy? Something a wee bit sarcastic? Maybe a tip for the masses?  Nawwww...... Then I went outside & fixed my E-bike & realized that I should just start like this.......

 Having worked in this business for years, the only things that I have learned about most computer users/customers are that.

A:   They are dumber than fried sh*t

B:   That when they phone in with a question, the first word out of their mouth is usually "uhhhhh"

C:  Most like to click links & hose their OS. And then wonder why the computer is slow.

D:  And then the ones that have a friend/relative than is "good" with computers that tried to fix their system.

  I think I'll start with the people that call in & want me to "fix" their problem over the phone.....Yeah, that ain't gonna happen.

 Here's the scoop. Those of us that work at computer shops get paid by the owners to do work. Not to research crap or answer questions for free. While I'm sitting there listening to drone on about the friggin' recipe your aunt Bessie sent you & you can't get to print.....For 10 minutes..... My boss....The person who pays me.....Is looking at me & wondering "What the hell is that idiot doing on the phone for so long? He's not MAKING ME MONEY sitting there while 5 people are actually in the shop looking to buy stuff".

This happens daily.

Simple tip....Google is your friend.    Use it.     Type in your question & you'll get an answer.

http://www.google.ca/


Don't call me.

The time spent looking me up in the yellow pages is wasted.     Go away.

  I think this is a good start.  A bit rough but it will do for now

     http://justfuckinggoogleit.com/